Chinese Guy Moves to Australia

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man, "He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit."

An Aboriginal Goes to Centrelink

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you fella.... I don' wanna beon dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."

The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

You Know You Are Australian When

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

8. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

9. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

10. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

11. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on
the way to Maccas.'

12. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

13. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

14. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

15. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

16. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.


17. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

18. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

19. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

20. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

21. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

22. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

23. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

24. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

25. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

26. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

27. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

28. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

29. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

30. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

31. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

32. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

33. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

34. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

35. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

36. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

37. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

38 When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

39. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

40. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

41. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

42. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

CINEMA ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.