Best Kept Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. ‘No woman,’ said one man, scornfully, ‘can keep a secret.’

‘I don’t know about that,’ answered a blonde woman guest. ‘I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.’

‘You’ll let it out some day,’ the man insisted.

‘I hardly think so!’ responded the blonde lady. ‘When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.’

Blonde Cop

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. “What does it look like?” she finally asked. The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

Jamaica

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.” The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”

Death Row at a Womens Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One’’s a brunette, one’’s a redhead, and one’’s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim…”

And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

When Cardboard Men Come In Handy

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men,
unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up. It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde. "Those are my emergency flashers!"

Blondes aren't stupid convention

80,000 blonds are gathered for a "Blonds Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blonds are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blond gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blonds start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blond starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!

Close Your Eyes

Julie and kids had just returned from church. My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday school.

Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7-year-old explained, ‘we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.’' I can only assume he meant blind.

Broke Blonde

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.'

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays...'God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.' Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help,
and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket'

Blonde Guy

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20 th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

A Blonde Going to Melbourne

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy
she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot
says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne.'

Once a Blonde

A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheep. The farmer said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one.

The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms.

The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, " If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?"

God Speaks

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto.'

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays...'God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the
Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket'

Blonde Detectives

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

Blonde at the doctors

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and says 'her body hurts whenever she touches it'.

'Impossible' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes on her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches makes her scream.

Doctor says, 'You're not really a redhead are you.'

'Well, no', she says, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so', the doctor says, 'Your finger is broken.'