Cuteness Overload

This is just TOO cute!

Teddy Suicide

So Sad!

Dog Sitting

Treat all of life's problems like this. Sit on them!

Super Dog

Penguin Logic

The Ass Family

Alternatives to "And They Lived Happily Ever After"

#01 And they stayed together because of the kids.
#02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again.
#03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness.
#04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she'd always dreamed of.
#05 And he never found out out the child wasn't his.
#06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself.
#07 And they lived happily ever... until the following winter.
#08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay.
#09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn't evil - just demanding.
#10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance.
#11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

Conversation

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

5 Year Old Builder

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the
little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they
had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her
'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, "Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're
building a big house."

"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "And will you be working on the house again next week?"
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: "I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks."

Deer for dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of
meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother "Don't eat it, it's an
asshole.."

Homeless Bear

Aww, that's just so sad.

Won't someone take him home?

Big Sneeze

My, what a big sneeze! I think this calls for three tissues.

Psycho Kitten

Watch Out! It's armed with super cuteness and it's had a 5th of Vodka!

Geisha Dog

This is just too cute!

Wet T-Shirt

Little Johnny in Love

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Smart Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cr*p," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that.
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"