Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to th e hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, ! and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs'.

Colonoscopies, No Joke

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped! miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

Surgeon Chat

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "no, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "you know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and rear are interchangeable."

A Health Checkup

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 55-year old ass?'
'Your name never came up,' she replied.

Testosterone Prescription

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after he had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much," she explained. "I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

Woolworths Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $20.00 ..a lot quicker than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He
deposits $20.00 , and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the
computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits $20.00, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer (1stfloor).
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies

What Colour

Sam is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again,"Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the
operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."


The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything
inside them is in alphabetical order."


The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers, those
guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and
when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no
spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."

Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's penis. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Blonde at the doctors

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and says 'her body hurts whenever she touches it'.

'Impossible' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast, and screams, then she pushes on her elbow, and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams, then she pushes on her thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her ankle, more screams, and everywhere she touches makes her scream.

Doctor says, 'You're not really a redhead are you.'

'Well, no', she says, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so', the doctor says, 'Your finger is broken.'