Pay Attention in Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and eered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

A Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

25 Other Fun things for University Professors to do

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.


Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.

Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.

Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

Naughty Girl

25 Fun things for University Professors to do

Address students as “worm”.

After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”

Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

Are You Smart Enough For 3rd Grade?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

My Mother Taught Me

And just how many of these did you hear growing up???

1. My mother taught me LOVE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

Don't Ask Kids

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Resignation as an adult

Subject: Resignation

To whom it may concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

* I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
* I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it's prettier and weighs more.
* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
* I want to think the world is fair.
* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.


So......here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address pager,cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,

"Tag!"...
"You're it!"

Get Close To The Animals

Old Man

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair that was all different colors -- green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said. "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Danger, Nerd Baby

An Expensive Barbie Doll

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have, ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …

‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95…

‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 …

and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.”

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”

A Letter To Mum

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Smarter Than You Think

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.

They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel - they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!

COLLEGE SENIORS VS. FRESHMEN

FRESHMEN are never in bed past noon.
SENIORS are never out of bed before noon.

FRESHMEN read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
SENIORS read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

FRESHMEN bring a can of soda into a lecture hall.
SENIORS bring a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into recitation class.

FRESHMEN call the professor "Professor."
SENIORS call the professor "Bob."

FRESHMEN would walk ten miles to get to class.
SENIORS drive to class if it's further than three blocks away.

FRESHMEN memorize the course material to get a good grade.
SENIORS memorize the professor's habits to get a good grade.

FRESHMEN know a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
SENIORS know where the next class is. Maybe...

FRESHMEN show up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
SENIORS show up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and box of pop tarts in hand.

FRESHMEN have to ask where the computer labs are.
SENIORS have their 'own' personal workstation.

FRESHMEN worry about the last freshman composition essay.
SENIORS worry about the last GRE essay.

FRESHMEN line up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
SENIORS start to think about buying textbooks in October. Maybe...

FRESHMEN look forward to first classes of the year.
SENIORS look forward to first beer party of the year.

FRESHMEN are proud of their A+ on Calculus I midterm.
SENIORS are proud of not-quite-failing their Complex Analysis midterm.

FRESHMEN call their girlfriends back home every other night.
SENIORS call Domino's every other night.

FRESHMEN are appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
SENIORS are appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer.

FRESHMEN go on a grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
SENIORS have a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

FRESHMEN are excited about the world of possibilities that awaits them, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand their horizons and really make a contribution to society.
SENIORS are excited about new dryers in laundry room.

FRESHMEN take meticulous four-color notes in class.
SENIORS occasionally stay awake for all of class.

ChildCare for Dummies I

ChildCare for Dummies H

ChildCare for Dummies G

ChildCare for Dummies F