Resignation as an adult

Subject: Resignation

To whom it may concern:

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

* I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 5 year old again.
* I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
* I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples in a pond with rocks.
* I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
* I want to lie under a big oak tree and watch the ants march up its trunk.
* I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
* I want to think a quarter is worth more than a dollar bill cause it's prettier and weighs more.
* I want to go fishing and care more about catching the minnows along the shore than the big bass in the lake.
* I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes. When I didn't know what I know now. When all I knew was to be happy because I was blissfully unaware of all the things that should make me worried.
* I want to think the world is fair.
* I want to think that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
* I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
* I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and the loss of loved ones.
* I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, dreams, the imagination, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a kiss that makes a boo-boo go away, making angels in the snow and that my dad and Superman are the strongest people in the world.


So......here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit cards and the bills too, my 401K statements, my stocks & bonds, my collections, my insurance premiums, my job, my house and the payments too, my e-mail address pager,cell phone, computer, and watch. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this with me further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,

"Tag!"...
"You're it!"

30 Famous Quotes

1. want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details.
Albert Einstein

2. An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
M.K. Gandhi

3. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.
Dr. Napoleon Hill

4. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain

5. Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.
Samuel Johnson

6. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Mark Twain

7. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
Mother Teresa

8. Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl - no superior alternative has yet been found.
Sir Winston Churchill

9. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James

10. A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right
Thomas Paine

11. A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak.
Michael Garrett Marino

12. Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.
Albert Einstein

13. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

14. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill

15. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.

16. The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
George Bernard Shaw

17. We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Friedrich Nietzsche

18. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte

19. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
H. G. Wells

20. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

21. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

22. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas Alva Edison

23. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell

24. Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Jimmy Durante

25. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

26. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

27. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

28. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

29. Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Jean-Paul Sartre

30. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Oscar Wilde

You Know You Are Australian When

1. You know the meaning of the word 'girt'.

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

7. You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

8. You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'.

9. You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'.

10. You believe the 'l' in the word ' Australia ' is optional.

11. You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on
the way to Maccas.'

12. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

13. You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'.

14. You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

15. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

16. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.


17. You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'.

18. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

19. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

20. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

21. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

22. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

23. You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'.

24. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

25. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

26. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

27. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

28. You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite.

29. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

30. You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'.

31. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

32. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

33. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'.

34. You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'.

35. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

36. You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

37. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

38 When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

39. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

40. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

41. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'.

42. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

I Have a Deram

I have a Deram that people will learn how to spell simple words.

Buying Condoms

A man was in a long line at Wal-Mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size condoms?The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'

Did you know?

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

It is called the "anal optic nerve". It's responsible for giving people a "shitty outlook" on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

I think we all know a few people that may have had an “Optirectomy” sometime during their life, this is the operation that reconnects the nerve from your ass to your eye and gives you that shitty outlook on life.

Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
9) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

25 Signs you have grown up

You are grown and responsible gentleman/woman when :

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

I Don't Speak English

Very true. Especially for me in Japan

Happy Moment

This guy looks _SO_ happy right now.

Blackadder Quotes

This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?

We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod.

My head... oh, my head... feels like the time I was initiated into the Silly Buggers Society at Cambridge. I misheard the rules and tried to push a whole aubergine up my earhole.

You see the ancient Greeks, your Highness, wrote in legend of a terrible container in which all the evils of the world were trapped. How prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name. They called it 'Pandora's Box', when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers'.

Ha ! I laugh at danger and drop ice cubes down the vest of fear.

As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."

A man may fight for many things. His country, his friends, his principles, the glistening ear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.

The Truth About Santa

A Wonderful Explanation

The wife came home early on Christmas Eve and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."
" Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas last year that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'"

Are you a cowboy?

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a coffee.
As he sat sippping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked,"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied,"Well ,I've spent my whole life breaking colts,working cows,going to rodeos,fixing fences,puling calves,bailing hay,fixing flats,working on tractors,and feefing my dogs,so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said,"I'm a lesbian.I spend my whole day thinking about women.As soon as I get up in the morning,I think about women.I think aaboutwomen when I shower.When I watch TV,I think about women.I even think about women when I eat.It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later,a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,"Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian."

Valerie and the Lawyer

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,' said the madam.

'No. I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' North Carolina '

'Really' she said. 'I have family in North Carolina '

'I know,' the man said. 'Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

Death
Taxes
Being screwed by a lawyer

Filthy Language

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they gotback, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well", said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh mama", she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic"......Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah", her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with Your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes!" said the mother.

Forgetful Mother

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
'May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded.
"Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.!!?????"

The Golfer and the Surgeon

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.

Italian Math

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes

a little math test "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I a start?"

Womens Logic

A woman feeling unwell, went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a bourbon & coke."

After 3 or 4 bourbons the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more bourbons. Eventually they were approached by some of the woman's old friends, Who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

"I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you told your friends You were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I know, but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone!"