Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

A Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Saturday, 21 June 2008

The End is Near

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jus say.....
'Bridge Out?''

Friday, 20 June 2008

Judgement Day

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Confession of an Old Man

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
Ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Irish Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Monday, 16 June 2008

Confession of Passion

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad Passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Saturday, 14 June 2008

Confession of an Affair

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
According to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Sunday, 8 June 2008

Don't Ask Kids

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him , with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

Thursday, 1 May 2008

Jesus Knows You Like Porn



Jesus watches everything. He is a pervert.

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

George W Goes to Heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

Tuesday, 22 April 2008

A Creation Myth

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that i s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Friday, 11 April 2008

Bible Contradictions

"For I am merciful, saith the Lord, and I will not keep anger forever." (Jeremiah 3:12)
"Ye have kindled a fire in mine anger, which shall burn forever." (Jeremiah 17:4)

"If I testify about myself, my testimony is not valid." (John 5:31)
"Jesus answered: Even if I testify on my own behalf, my testimony is valid." (John 8:14)

"And Jesus coming, spoke to them, saying: All power is given to me in heaven and in earth." (Matthew 28:18)
"the whole world is under control of the evil one." (1 John 5:19)

And Jesus said, "For judgement I am come into this world." (John 9:39)
"I came not to judge the world" (John 12:47)

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 5:16)
"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven." (Matthew 6:1)

"Jacob said, 'I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.'" (Genesis 32:30)
"No man hath seen God at any time." (John 1:18)

We should fear God (Matthew 10:28)
We should love God (Matthew 22:37)
There is no fear in love (1 John 4:18)

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Is that Fannie Green?

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's"

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

"The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, ...............................


"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"

Friday, 29 February 2008

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on a computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT!
I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES"

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Close Your Eyes

Julie and kids had just returned from church. My 5 and 7 year old kids were showing me the faces they'd drawn in Sunday school.

Now, museum quality they're not, but these were particularly unbalanced. I asked them why. My 7-year-old explained, ‘we were supposed to close our eyes and pretend we were blonde.’' I can only assume he meant blind.

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Why I forward Jokes

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill , he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book..

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep

contact, you forward jokes. When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just

another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!!!!

Thursday, 27 December 2007

Christmas Spirit at the Pearly Gates

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met
By Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,
"You must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled
Out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled
Out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his
Pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and
Asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Tuesday, 25 December 2007

The Truth About Santa


Saturday, 8 December 2007

Little Sisters Convent and House of Prostitution 5 miles

I was driving down the road when I saw this sign:
"Little Sisters Convent and House of Prostitution 5 miles".
Obviously, I thought I must have been daydreaming, but then I saw it again, but at 3 miles, then 2, then 1, then:
"Turn here for Little Sisters Convent and House of Prostitution".

This I just had to see, and sure enough down the lane was an old convent, so I parked in the car park at the back and went to the front door. There was a huge old iron bell pull, but next to it a white modern bell push with a discrete sign "Ring here for the House of Prostitution"

So I pushed the bell, and soon the door opened and a nun appeared, and asked me to follow her. As I walked behind her, I soon realised she had a superb figure under her habit, and was wearing some very snassy high heeled shoes!. She took me to a room where another equally attractive looking nun sat behind a desk, and said ‘Sister Mary will look after you’.

Sister Mary asked me for £50, entered this in a ledger on the desk as a ‘donation’, and said I would have to wait a bit, but if I went through the door she indicated, a red light would come on over one of the doors, indicating that I was to go in.

So I went into this corridor, and when the red light came on over a door, opened it and went through, but found myself in the car park.. Thinking there had been some mistake, I tried to open the door, but found I couldn’t.

I then saw a little notice on the door "You have just been screwed by the Little Sisters"