14 Things to NOT say on a date

1. “And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”
2. “Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”
3. “Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground… Man! I never knew Jehovah’s Witnesses could run that fast.”
4. “I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face.But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”
5. “I like clay. It’s mushy.”
6. “I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.”
7. “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
8. “I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years.Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
9. “I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”
10. “I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
11. “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”
12. “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?”
13. “No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.”
14. “People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.”

Newspaper Romance

A newspaper ran a contest asking it’s readers to write two lines.The first line should be most romantic but the second line should be the least romantic.Here are a few replies they got.

———————————————————————
My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe “go to hell ”

———————————————————————

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

———————————————————————
Oh loving beauty you float with grace

If only you could hide your face

———————————————————————

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not

———————————————————————

I want to feel your sweet embrace

But don’t take that paper bag off of your face
———————————————————————

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -

Damn, I’m good at telling lies !

———————————————————————

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That’s why I always wake up screaming

———————————————————————

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way

At the Wedding

You are at a wedding
You are a total Diva .
The best dress, a perfect hairdo...
You fall in love with an invited guest .
You get secret looks the entire night...

On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances like a god...
You are the couple of the evening...
The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women...
The bride is about to throw the bouquet...
You are first in line, in a strategic position...

Once there, you wait for the right moment...
You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him.....
If I catch the bouquet...I Will Marry You!
And then, the moment you've been waiting for...

The bride throws the bouquet...
He doesn't stop looking at you...
You jump like never before to catch the bouquet...
Your arms stretched out...
Your hands open...
And suddenly

A Short Love Story

At this time of year I found this to be truly touching.

A older man and a younger woman who had never met before, and were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned
down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied . "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied.
"Get your own @$%!& blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A Wedding Secret

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says "Darling, as this is such a special occasion I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years"

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit"

She said "I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for Wigan!"

Small World

There are two guys that are trying to get a quick 18 holes, but there are 2 terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says: "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back. The first guy asks what's wrong?
He says: "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says: "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about half way there and comes back.

The second guy asks what's wrong?
The first guy answers: "Small world!"

The Hunter And The Bear

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."

Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

An Italian affair

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large

sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

His wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...