Pay Attention in Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and eered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

25 Other Fun things for University Professors to do

Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.

Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.


Mention in passing that you’re wearing rubber underwear.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering “tsk, tsk”.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student’s name, rank, and serial number.

Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.

Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”

Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

Tell students that you’ll fail them if they cheat on exams or “fake the funk”.

Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.

Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.

Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

Wear a “virtual reality” helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.

Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

25 Fun things for University Professors to do

Address students as “worm”.

After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”

Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

Don't Masturbate In The Showers

I'd be TOO frightened to even consider this in the public showers

Are You Smart Enough For 3rd Grade?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Powers Of Observation

A professor teaching medicine at the university was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Lesson learned!

How Gullible Are We?

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:


1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.


* Forty-three (43) said yes,
* Six (6) were undecided,
* Only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

COLLEGE SENIORS VS. FRESHMEN

FRESHMEN are never in bed past noon.
SENIORS are never out of bed before noon.

FRESHMEN read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
SENIORS read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

FRESHMEN bring a can of soda into a lecture hall.
SENIORS bring a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into recitation class.

FRESHMEN call the professor "Professor."
SENIORS call the professor "Bob."

FRESHMEN would walk ten miles to get to class.
SENIORS drive to class if it's further than three blocks away.

FRESHMEN memorize the course material to get a good grade.
SENIORS memorize the professor's habits to get a good grade.

FRESHMEN know a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
SENIORS know where the next class is. Maybe...

FRESHMEN show up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
SENIORS show up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and box of pop tarts in hand.

FRESHMEN have to ask where the computer labs are.
SENIORS have their 'own' personal workstation.

FRESHMEN worry about the last freshman composition essay.
SENIORS worry about the last GRE essay.

FRESHMEN line up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
SENIORS start to think about buying textbooks in October. Maybe...

FRESHMEN look forward to first classes of the year.
SENIORS look forward to first beer party of the year.

FRESHMEN are proud of their A+ on Calculus I midterm.
SENIORS are proud of not-quite-failing their Complex Analysis midterm.

FRESHMEN call their girlfriends back home every other night.
SENIORS call Domino's every other night.

FRESHMEN are appalled at the class size and callousness of profs.
SENIORS are appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer.

FRESHMEN go on a grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus.
SENIORS have a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

FRESHMEN are excited about the world of possibilities that awaits them, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand their horizons and really make a contribution to society.
SENIORS are excited about new dryers in laundry room.

FRESHMEN take meticulous four-color notes in class.
SENIORS occasionally stay awake for all of class.

Mr Know It all

It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?".

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my...."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."

Farm Boy Goes to College

A young farm lad goes off to college at Texas Tech, but about a third of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Tech that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with US$1,000," the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the US$1,000.

About two thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send US$2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading The Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'"

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that @#$#*! dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

School 1967 vs 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.



Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1967 - Ants die.

2007 - Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, Homeland Security and FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Heather. Heather hugs him to comfort him.

1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Heather is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

Difficult English

WHY ENGLISH IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?

One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, hey are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.