A Boy's Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

Don't Masturbate In The Showers

I'd be TOO frightened to even consider this in the public showers

Longshot

Pest Inspector

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
Pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
Bedroom together, when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
Bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,"
The man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."

Confession of an Old Man

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
Ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

Confession of Passion

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad Passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
return, her Father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ..."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.


Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug."

Lucky Golfing Frog

A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't See anyone. Again, he Hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.' He looks At the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the Cup. He is shocked. He says To the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog,? The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog With him to the next hole. 'What do you think frog?' The
Man asks. 'Ribbit 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The Man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say. By the end Of the day, the man golfed the
Best game of golf in his life and Asks the frog, 'OK where to next?'

The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas.

' They go to Las Vegas And the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?' The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon Approaching the roulette table, The man Asks, 'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a Million-to-one shot to win, but After the golf game the man Figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and Buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and
Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful.' The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, he deserves it. With a
Kiss, the frog turns into a Gorgeous 16-year-old girl. 'And that, Your honor, is how the girl Ended up in my room.

Personal Service Device

Do you want one? OMG!!

Is that Fannie Green?

A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest,
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's"

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

"The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies, ...............................


"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"

Golf Therapy

Two women were playing golf.. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

A Man With a Sheep

A man walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "This is the pig that i have to sleep with when you knock me back." he says.

The wife looks at him and replies "I think you'll find that's a sheep."

The man says "I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep."

Sunday Fun

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.

Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive today if the blo-dy ice cream truck hadn't come along!!"

Free Sex with Petrol

A petrol station in country QLD was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”

Soon a local pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The bloke then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, the same bloke come along, with his mate, Bluey, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The bloke guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the bloke said to his mate, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Blue replied, “No, it ain’t, Bill. It ain’t rigged — my Missus won twice last week.”

Don't Use Your Pillow

Q&A One

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q&A Two

Q. What is the difference between " ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

The Proxy

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right.? People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

How to Use a Towel

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age. After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Carencro.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy, would fan a cow that was having any difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and
make her relax. So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Baton Rouge to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let a young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes,one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, "And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!"