Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts

Sunday, 29 June 2008

25 Fun things for University Professors to do

Address students as “worm”.

After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream “MY PACEMAKER!”

Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.

Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

Ask occasional questions, but mutter “as if you gibbering simps would know” and move on before anyone can answer.

Ask students to call you “Tinkerbell” or “Surfin’ Bird”.

Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he’s named “Boogers McGee” and is your “mascot”. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, “What’ll be, McGee?”

Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, “The Professor can’t hear you, you’ll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy”.

Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”

Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

New Business

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing very well... only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish.

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

Teamwork at its best

Tuesday, 1 April 2008

Didn't Get The Job

According to several sites on the net (i.e., possibly apocryphal) personnel executives of 100 major American corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants:
  • Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
  • Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
  • Brought her large dog to the interview.
  • Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
  • Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.
  • She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
  • Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
  • Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
  • Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
  • Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office.
  • Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
  • Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
  • Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
  • Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
  • Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
  • When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
  • Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
  • Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
  • Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
  • Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
  • Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
  • Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.
  • While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
  • During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
  • A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.” I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
  • An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
  • His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
  • He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
  • He took off his right shoe and sock, opened a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
  • Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
  • He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
  • Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
  • She threw up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
  • Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
  • Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

Thursday, 13 March 2008

An Aboriginal Goes to Centrelink

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you fella.... I don' wanna beon dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."

The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Illegal Parking


These builders are installing poles to prevent people parking illegally, can you spot the problem?

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Swearing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with colleagues and customers.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. In particular please note No. 12 with regard to conversations with our esteemed customers upon whose goodwill we rely for a living!

1. Try Saying:

I think you could do with more training.

Instead Of: You don't have a f****** clue, do you?

2. Try Saying:

She's an aggressive go-getter; an Alpha female.

Instead Of: She's a f****** power-crazy bitch.

3. Try Saying:
I'm sure I can get this done today if you don't mind if I work late.

Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying:

I'm certain that isn't feasible.

Instead Of: You must be F***ing joking you brain dead arse-wipe.

5. Try Saying:

Really?

Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole.

6. Try Saying:

Perhaps you should check with...

Instead Of: P*** off and tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying:

I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of: Don't know! Don't care! Not my f****** problem, mate.

8. Try Saying:

That's interesting.

Instead Of: What the f*** you on about?

9. Try Saying:

I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of: No f****** chance mate.

10. Try Saying:

It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in.

Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying:

Unfortunately he's not familiar with the issues.

Instead Of: That dickhead's got his head up his f****** arse.

12. Try Saying:

Excuse me, sir, how may I help?

Instead Of: Oi, f*** face, what the f*** do you want now!.

13. Try Saying:

Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway.

Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f****** holidays anyway.

Thank You.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

How to place new employees

Here is the problem…. HOW DO YOU RECRUIT PEOPLE INTO A BUSINESS?

See the answer below:

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyse the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.. Put them in auditing .

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations .

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information Technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the Window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least…

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management.

Saturday, 29 December 2007

You're Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice:
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.........."

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Suggested Phrases

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3. Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-wipe

5. Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem, mate.
8. Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9. Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Thursday, 28 June 2007

Improve Productivity

http://www.fundmental.com/funpages/panic.html

Improving Productivity in the Workplace

By DrItza Lottabul

OVERVIEW

Productivity measurement studies (PMS) in moderncomputerised offices have resulted in significant reassessments of therespective roles of work and relaxation time in the workplace. Although manymanagers regard PMS as little more than a recurrent and unavoidable pain, theycan result in radical re-evaluations of the value of non-work in a workenvironment.

Most workplaces make little allowance for “down time”or relaxation exercises for computer-operating workers. But employers areincreasingly aware of the need for breaks and muscle relaxation exercises forhealth reasons.

This paper argues for the value in workplacesituations of the playing of games, known in productivity studies as theBeneficial Outlet of Formatted Fun (BOFF). Repeated studies have shown thatworkers who BOFF regularly report a 17% rise in on-the-job satisfaction.Furthermore, co-workers who BOFF together report an incredible 41% drop instress levels and a 28% increase in communication.[i]

Most workers are used to BOFFing in their spare time,but studies indicate that many would like to BOFF in the office, often with awork colleague. Although most workers are aware that some of their colleaguesare solo BOFFers, the office offers unprecedented opportunities for group BOFFsinvolving two or more co-workers. Such tactics may be regarded by some managersas morally lax or an inappropriate use of office time, but Time & Motionstudies are clear that workers returning to their work tasks after a good BOFFare more relaxed, happier and more productive than those who try to workwithout relaxation breaks.

WORK ETHICS

It is a fact little appreciated outside ProductivityMeasurement that only a fraction of the time employees spend in front of acomputer can be classified as “work”.

In a typical office environment work tasks can belimited to the following elements of the typical working day:

  • Answering the phone (4%)
  • Writing letters (9%)
  • Writing reports (25%)
  • Making important decisions (1%)

By contrast, non-work tasks account for 61% of theworking day. This divides up as follows:

  • Alphabetising things (6%)
  • Failing to find people you need to talk to (3%)
  • Trying to fix printer (2%)
  • Trying to fix photocopier (2%)
  • Changing wallpaper on computer desktop (3%)
  • Reading bulleted lists (5%)
  • Comparing management requests to highlight contradictions (8%)
  • Last night’s TV (9%)
  • Wondering why Windows has crashed (3%)
  • Misunderstanding simple requests (6%)
  • Sorting teetering pile of memos into something approaching order (3%)
  • Staring in horror at week-old memo requesting urgent action found at base of teetering pile of memos (5%)
  • Wondering why percentage breakdowns don’t always add up to 100 (3%)[ii]

The rest of employees’ time is spent playing games.This provides an immediate benefit compared to other non-work activities. Thefirst benefit is that workers playing games are not changing their wallpaper,discussing last night’s TV, misunderstanding elementary instructions, etc.which helps to foster the illusion that they may not be bored, unimaginativewastrels after all. Simultaneously, workers playing games are not spendingtheir time trying to fix things or alphabetise them, both of which inevitablylead to more confusion and breakages.[iii]

Gamesat work, not games with work

Office workers have developed a number of defensivetactics and responses at work to cover the fact that they are not reallyworking. Before computers, workers would cover their desk with letters, reportsand random paperwork to give the illusion of activity. Since the virtualdesktop has removed the space-filling activity of handwriting, workers havebeen forced to find more subtle means of disguising inactivity. These include:

  • Printing out multiple copies of a report
  • Amending one misplaced comma, then printing out a “revised version”
  • Opening many documents and switching repeatedly between them
  • Cutting and pasting things
  • Setting document naming conventions that will be forgotten after a week
  • Reading online documents that look like they might be work related

Beyond this, the knowledge that a certain task has tobe completed during the day can, with careful time management, fill the daywith pseudo-productive work. The morning can be spent fiddling on the principlethat “I’ve got all day”. Before lunch an appropriately named document can becreated so that there is something to point to if asked. In the afternoon agrudging attempt to tackle the task will be made, only to be interrupted by anemergency, leaving the task itself to be rushed off in the five minutes beforeleaving for home in the evening.

Such a work plan leaves the employee anxious andguilty, and the task inadequately completed. It is a far better solution toacknowledge that the worker will spend as little time as possible doing hardwork, and allow them to positively structure their time accordingly. A workercan spend half an hour playing games, satisfying their desire to do somethinginteresting, and spend the next 30 minutes performing the requested task (i.e.a 600% increase in work per hour).

Playing games at work brings a number of otherbenefits. The top reported benefits of workplace games players are:

  • “Clears the mind”[iv]
  • “Engages the brain”
  • “Improves hand-eye co-ordination”[v]
  • “Makes me feel happy”
  • “Makes me think”
  • “Helps problem-solving”
  • “Allows me to return to my work refreshed and reinvigorated”
  • “Makes my whites whiter than white”[vi]

Benefitsfor employers

It is well known that most workers would rather bedoing anything than working. However, there’s plenty of stuff you don’t wantthem to be doing: scheming behind your back, criticising management decisions,conducting office romances, behaving like human beings, etc. Allowing yourworkers to play games on their office computers effectively keeps them at theirdesks and stops them from talking, eavesdropping, reprogramming officetelephones, misfiling things, and a host of other productivity-damagingactivities.

Many employers are finding that, since smoking isbanned in offices, smoking employees are taking frequent cigarette breaksthroughout the working day. These involve the worker leaving the office tosmoke with colleagues. Who knows what they’re talking about? They’re probablydiscussing you, and thinking up new ways to make you look stupid. Isn’t itbetter to keep them at their desks?

The only way to do this is to offer workers somethingeven more addictive than cigarettes. Unless you’re prepared to open up aColombian branch of your company to ensure a ready supply of hard drugs foryour employees, the most effective option is to allow them to play games in theoffice. Try giving your employees a regular ‘games break’ in the same way thatyou would allow them a regular cigarette break. Aside from anything else, theywill feel so bewildered by your far-sighted progressive working practices thatthey will be guilt-tripped into doing some proper work for you.

Serious scientific studies have also indicated thatthe human mind needs many of the stimulus factors found in games:

  • Regular changes of stimulus
  • Play
  • Stress relief procedures
  • Aggression release
  • Provocation to lateral thought

But nobody ever listens to serious scientific studies.So think of it this way:

They’re playing aroundanyway, so let them play constructively

Let people unwind: they’ll thank you for it[vii]

They’re wasting time when they’re playing games, sowhen they’re not playing games, they must be working[viii]

Happy workers do happywork[ix]

A stitch in time savesnine

Two stitches in time saveeighteen[x]

CONCLUSION

Employers want workers withthe following characteristics:

  • Intelligent
  • Skilled
  • Hard-working
  • Aggressive
  • Precise
  • Creative
  • Successful

Given that they’ll get noneof these things in the real world, give them the next best thing: success in agame. You may have lost the last month’s accounts down the back of the filingcabinet, but if you hold the computer pinball record you’ll be a winner at something.Let’s face it, Human Resources are always being told to find what people aregood at and get them to do it. The fact is, some of us are better at games thananything else. Be all that you can be. If that’s not much, don’t blameus.

Dr ItzaLottabul is Professor of PMS at Arooga University. His papers, ‘Playing forProductivity: A New Approach’ and ‘Playing for Productivity: An Old Approach’,have been widely recycled. Views expressed in this article are not necessarilythose of the editors, or indeed the writer.

SURVEY: Survey group of 5,012 was ignored over a 5-dayperiod. All answers were adjusted for what Dr Lottabul needed to show.

Statistical error: +/-2 inches.

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[i] Although 21% of the communication increase is associated with co-workerswho share a post-BOFF cigarette break.

[ii] Includes a figure of 1% of time spent anxiouslychecking obscure footnotes. You added up the percentages as well, didn’t you?

[iii] Some workersattempt to multi-task fixing printers and alphabetising by spending their timealphabetising computer printouts. Why do I spend my life studying thesenumbskulls? Why? I could have been a ski instructor!

[iv] This must be accompanied bythe observation that many employees have little enough to have their mindscleared of.

[v] By contrast, making drinks improves hand-kettle co-ordination, andattempting to explain what you’re doing to your boss improves foot-mouthco-ordination.

[vi] We apologise for this obvious nonsense.

[vii] They won’t, actually, but they’ll feel guilty, which is much thesame thing

[viii] If you’re convinced by this point, you may also be interested ininvesting in our lunar deep sea diving project. See http://www.ripmeoff.com/.

[ix] It has been suggested that hard workers do hard work, but thisclaim is unverifiable in a modern workplace.

[x] Or, for a limited time only, twenty.